In The Mourning

I’ve never done a blog post, but I felt like I had more to say about “In The Mourning.” So, this is an unedited free write.

My Grandfather, or Poppy as we called him was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and declined so fast I couldn’t believe it. I remember feeling light headed the first time I saw him in person about a month after that. The hardest thing about all of this for my family was that Poppy really wasn’t ready to die. He also hated being in a hospital where he spent the remainder of his days. He really wanted to be at home, but there was no way my grandma(Nanny) could take care of him.

Those days visiting him in the hospital were so strange. He shut himself off to the world and to us. It has me thinking about the men in my family- Just my Dad and I really. We’re not good at saying how we feel, but we usually feel very deeply. That last month with Poppy had me wondering why, why is it so hard to say how we feel? Is it because we think we’ll be judged? Is it because men aren’t supposed to cry? Is it because we’re raised to think that’s sign of weakness? That’s such bullshit. If anything, saying exactly what’s on your mind is brave.

Still I sat there in the hospital on countless days with questions flooding my brain for Poppy that I never asked him. I was too afraid to ask him. I guess I didn’t want to be a burden to him in his last days. But I still regret that a lot, the things left unsaid.

What I learned from that, though it’s something I still struggle with putting to actual use, is to take advantage of each moment. Feel every emotion deeply and not be afraid to talk about it. Because what the hell is the point of keeping it from others? That’s what anxiety is, the things left unsaid, the things you never say out loud.

And so here I am over 3 years later, still grieving this loss. It’s wild, the things you thought you were over. Are you really ever “over” something, or does it always stay with you, molding to fit the phase of life you are in, constantly teaching you something new.’

-RJ

“In The Mourning”

Come down, don’t wait

Let’s drown, always

There is more than they allow

Or are you choosing to be wasted?

Will you wake me when it’s over, I got lost among the clovers

And your last drink how it stained me, like some red wine on my memory

I could hold you till forever, though the voices say it’s better

Through the blackness and the swarming, in the mourning we are found

Same day, new clouds

Mistakes, I’m bound

Feel the daylight all around

Or are you wanting to be wasted?

Will you wake me when it’s over, I got lost among the clovers

And your last drink how it stained me, like some red wine on my memory

I could hold you till forever, though the voices say it’s better

Through the blackness and the swarming, in the mourning we get angry

Cause we’re holding onto something, so we raise our voice at nothing

There’s no rhyming with a reason, I need something to believe in

Wont you notice I’m on fire, am I pleading with the choir

Oh the blackness and the swarming, in the mourning we are found